Here's to the Gals! 

A little time and effort can make your sailing relationship blossom

I am a very, very fortunate sailor. My spouse sails with me. Because of this we have shared some very,  very special moments together. It makes sailing which is so dear to me... just that much better.  This post is going to refer to guys and gals in specific roles, but please know, I realize the genders can be reversed. For the majority of small boat sailors, however,...the male is in the role of the skipper and the wife as crew. In fact, I can bring up the analytics on any one of a hundred Youtube videos I have posted and invariably the demographic is 95%+ male.  So guys ...listen up! ;-)

Some of you are blessed with gals who have as deep of an interest in sailing as you do. Most of us do not. For many of us, myself included, our partners sail...because we do....  because it is something that they enjoy (hopefully) doing "together". I know that when I fall off the face of this earth,  'Jo is not going to be chomping at the bit every time the wind blows to get on the water.  That being said, she loves it when we get out there together, as do I. She is not into docking or handling the boat in close quarters, but is a great crew working within her comfort zone, can handle the helm anytime I need her too, and just enjoys relaxin' on the boat. We can stand Dauntless on her ear, and Jo is grinning right along with me ,not a care in the world....but it doesn't start this way.

We have been sailing together  for 25+ years. Now, I definitely don't know everything....but I do know about what it takes to keep her sailing with me. So if you are a newbie...or you are a guy that wishes your gal would sail with you and enjoy it.....here's a few tips.  

First you should know...and I am not kidding here.....

 YOU HAVE ONE CHANCE NOT TO BLOW THIS WHOLE DEAL FROM THE START.  

Don't do it. There is way to much love, laughter, enjoyment and memories to be made. 

Tip #1 - DO NOT SCARE HER....

Nobody likes to be scared. Nobody.  IF you scare her right off the bat, you blew it. Bringing her back from the state of mind that she is at your mercy and you are cheating death every time you go out...is almost an undo-able task. Seriously, this is no exaggeration. I have seen this over and over and over again and it is a damn shame when it happens. Here are a few things to consider.

YOU have to trust yourself before you can ever expect someone to trust you. Period. If YOU are scared, uneasy, or unsure when you go out on the water that something terrible is likely to happen....Take some time, get your stuff together, and figure it out before you ask someone else to have confidence in you. Learn your boat. Know what she is capable of. Be honest about your own skill level and sail in conditions that are safely within your realm of control. If you don't and you hit the "Panic Button" in front of her....it's all over. Likely for good.

Tip #2 - BE A GENTLEMAN...

...and act accordingly.

 I don't like being yelled at. Your gal does not like being yelled at. How many times have we seen the Chinese Fire Drill as a boat approaches the dock. The helmsman yelling and barking out orders. Why is he doing this???  Usually because he has not done his job of managing the vessel, and now he is panicking and expecting the crew to pick up his slack.  Your crew should NEVER have to "Jump!" for the dock.......EVER. You should have set the boat up for the docking maneuver and talked through what you want to do, how you are going to do it, and your back-up plan (You have a backup plan right?) LONG before your final approach to the dock.  Your job is to put your crew in a safe position to step calmly across. If you fail...swallow your pride, back off, enact the pre-planned backup plan,  go around, and do it again. It's basic Seamanship. Yelling at your significant other only ratchets up the mindset to the panic mode, hurts feeling, makes you look like the ass you are being, and ends usually in something sub-par.  That docking scenario will be over shortly.... the hurt feelings won't. This is even more in play in a crowd. Don't try to make yourself look better by making her look stupid, when YOU blew it.  You are in control of this vessel, right? Our boats are small. Rarely, IF EVER, do you need to really raise your voice. If needed, calm, clear, well thought out, talking instructions will get the job done 10 times better, make you both look good, and build her confidence immensely. Work as a team, not two individuals.

This goes to getting on and off the trailer too. STOP YELLING.  Invest in a cheap set of FRS radios so you can quietly and effectively communicate between the boat and tow vehicle on shore. People will be amazed how smooth you make it look and she will get an incredible confidence boost without you barking out orders like Drill Sergeant Dan.

Tip #3 - DEMONSTRATE CONTROL AND MASTERY OF YOUR VESSEL

When I sail Dauntless.... I sail Dauntless.  Dauntless does not sail me, nor does the wind current, tide, other boat traffic, etc. . I am in control of my boat. I am responsible for my boat. I will make that boat do exactly what I want it to do, when I want it to do it, for as long as I choose.  I will adapt the boat to changing conditions safely,  rapidly, efficiently, and skillfully as the need arises.   YOU MUST be in charge... always. YOU MUST DRIVE THE BOAT  from the time you leave the dock till the time you tie up. You never stop....

EVER.

 No matter what happens...your head is, and must be in "DRIVE the Boat" mode.  If you are reefing, you must still drive the boat. If you are opening a drink, you must still drive the boat. Conversing with friends?....DRIVE THE BOAT!. Anchoring? ...DRIVE THE BOAT.  Picking up something off the floor?....DRIVE THE BOAT!. Your responsibility to that boat NEVER stops....and she needs to know that you:  #1.  get that,   #2. are capable of it, and #3. are demonstrating it. If you are distracted and allowing things to happen that shouldn't such as inadvertent tacks or jibes, inattentiveness to other traffic on the water, or just sloppy sailing....she will subconsciously figure that out....and her trust and comfort level will plummet....as it should.   Be in charge, drive the boat.

Tip #4 - ARE YOU A BIG STRONG MAN NOT AFRAID TO HEEL YOUR BOAT?

Good ....Great for you.....not necessarily for her.  

I love to get Dauntless up on her ear, even beyond what is really an efficient angle of heel. It's fun for me and I enjoy it if I am just playing around not trying to make time or distance. I know my boat and I know she is not "going over". She is a ballasted keel boat and I understand that there is no possible condition I
would encounter on my home waters that could do more than knock her down.  I understand how to deal with that. I am in control. Your boat may or may not be a boat that could "turtle". Regardless....you should be in control of your boat. Knowing you are in control gives you confidence. However, a new crew has no idea what to expect. "Is it gonna flip?" "Are we gonna end up in the water?" "Am I gonna drown under these sails?" ....all these questions are going through their head because they simply do not know.

Baby steps, clear explanation of what is going to take place,  and demonstration of control is the key. This takes time. Not one daysail.  For some gals, more time than others and it is 100% dependent on trust.   

Here's how I know:

When I was a kid my dad scared the bejeezes out of me in an airplane. He was a pilot and he had a little Cessna. I flew with him all the time and loved it. This particular day we weren't doing anything too crazy, just buzzing around locally. He was flying and entered into a steep turn. He often allowed the nose of the plane to drop upon turning (I realize this now but not then)  and so during the turn he would then have to really pull back on the yoke to overcome the initial drop he had allowed to begin happening as he started the turn. The combination of the g forces from the steep turn, and the extra force from pulling up the nose back up and arresting the altitude drop would make my head feel "funny" and unfamiliar as you could feel the g forces affecting you. Was I in danger? No, not really, it was just sloppy flying, however I didn't understand that at all. I vividly remember one day asking him to stop the turn as it was a fairly steep one and I was getting a little freaked out at the sensation I was experiencing.  I wasn't in danger...but I was scared, uncomfortable, not liking what was going on and what I was feeling. Whatever you want to call it, it wasn't working for me. Instead of stopping or easing the turn,  the reply was something along the lines of an annoyed "What? C'mon, you've done this before" and the turn continued. The turn ended up just fine....sloppy but fine. I felt stupid, embarrassed, and knew I didn't like the sensation I just experienced. I dreaded every turn he made from then on scared that I was going to feel that same sensation I did not like or understand.  Our relationship with respect to flying was never the same. I realized that day that it didn't matter if I was scared or freaked out....he was gonna do what he wanted to do. End of story. I barely flew with him from then on.  I was uneasy every time I did that he might do something I didn't like, and not stop if I asked him.

  Now....some might think that all that was just because I was scared of flying..right? After all..you can't fix that.  Wrong.  Years later as an adult I got my own private pilots license, then a sailplane rating, then a commercial license, then an aerobatic commercial sailplane sign-off, a commercial hot-air balloon rating ... gave fully aerobatic rides at a local glider port to paying passengers and flew corporate hot-air advertising balloons.  It was not that I was too stupid to understand flying, or a wuss that stopped me from flying with the old man....it was a lack of trust and respect for his lack of responding to my concerns.  I have NEVER forgot that lesson. Sailing is no different.   Baby Steps. Ease her in. Do only what she is comfortable with until she gives the go ahead. Then ....with an explanation of what you are about to do, and her approval, take it up a notch. Sheet in a little and heel a little more. Demonstrate that you posses the ability to arrest that heel immediately if you so choose by releasing the mainsheet and bringing her back down. YOU are in control...not the boat... not the wind. Progress only with her consent and comfort level. This method takes time but will advance her without freaking her out.

Tip #5 - YOU CAN'T LEARN AND TEACH THE SAME THING, AT THE SAME TIME

This sounds pretty easy to understand ....but ..unfortunately...  I see this all the time. A guy is learning to sail. He is doing a great job and advancing in the conditions which he is comfortable sailing. Next thing you know he takes his sweetheart out on a ripping white capping 20+knot day to impress her with all he knows and to infect her with the sailing bug. He has only been out in this kind of wind just a handful of times....and he is still working through his own comfort with these conditions. DUH! Don't do this!  She will read you like a book. You are on edge.....she will be ten times on edge as you and scared to death....and you just blew it. The kind of out of control cluster (you know what) sailing that will occur when you are basically single handing with an audience, and you don't have your stuff quite together is to say the least...not confidence building....and one of the best ways ever to become a solo sailor for life.

Get your stuff together before subjecting someone else to it.

Tip #6 - UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICS INVOLVED AND EXPLAIN THEM

This can be effective to the right person....although granted, to some people it makes no difference. However, when sailing a ballasted keel boat.... a true understanding of the physics of heeling can help to alleviate fear if the recipient of the information is an analytical type of person. If not...don't spend much time on it.   I usually will start down the road of explaining how the sails automatically are de-powered when the boat heels, and the gravity effect on the keel is at the same time "powered up", both effects maxing out at the sails flat to the water (90 degrees) ....and that's all she wrote. I follow this immediately with "I have never been in conditions that have done that and I do not expect to do that today". Which is a 100% true statement.

 Nothing on this lake is putting Dauntless' mast under water...and I can de-power her sails just by easing them out.  Now if you are on a capsize-able boat...yeah....you have a little more talking to do....but having a clear understanding of what is happening, why, and what to expect...can be very re-assuring. It  has to be done in a "non-threatening" manner of speaking and explanation. Horror Stories from the skipper about some "Crazy incident" designed to show how awesome you are, don't help much. Yes, I have flipped non-ballasted boats, but with the exception of flying symmetrical chutes, I have NEVER come close to a knockdown where the mast was in the water. Has it happened to some?  I am sure it has, however, it has to be extremely rare...or you need to find a new boat/crew. LOL  Filling the head of a new sailor with your worse stories, and some that were "told to you"..is doing them no good. Keep it factual, realistic, informative, and most of all POSITIVE.

Tip #7 - DON'T BUY A PARTICULAR BOAT TO COMFORT AND PERPETUATE A FEAR

I had a friend who has a wife that is very uneasy about any heeling. Unfortunately for them...they both choose to sail mono-hull boats. Hey...it's a fact of life that monos heel. While there are varying degrees of stiffness...they all heel.  Now this person just so happened to own a trailer-able mono that , in the right conditions, could be turtled.  Not easily, and it didn't happen often, but it was possible to do. Once turtled the boat was not self-rescue-able and your day was done....and probably not gonna be a good day at that. If you know that about the boat you choose, accept it, and sail it accordingly, there is no issue whatsoever there. You are prepared, and you sail the boat to the conditions.  Every un-ballasted boat sailor out there does this every time they go out. There is nothing wrong with the design. You just need to sail it for what it is.

 This for me , would not be a characteristic of a boat that I would be happy with, so I have a different style of boat, and I get all the plusses AND minuses that come with the ballasted style and design I choose. No harm no foul. However, this guy was of the mindset that this was a good boat for his wife because it generally sailed really flat. That was a good thing because as soon as it started to heel, she would get REAL nervous real fast.

He called me because they were in the market for another larger boat. He wanted to find another boat, larger than what they were currently sailing, "that sailed the same way as the boat they had"  ...."FLAT".  Why?  because his sweetheart was petrified of heeling.

To me this made zero sense.  Why was she petrified of heeling?  She was petrified simply because she knew that the particular design of boat that they were sailing could "go over" if it heeled too far.  Ok...so to me that is a valid concern that she had,  that needed to be addressed.  Perpetuating it by moving into a boat that exhibits the same exact characteristics, then would just perpetuate the all consuming fear that "at any second if we heel too far we are going over and in trouble".

My point is this:  If she had been introduced to a boat that heeled more, but that did not have a propensity to turtle, shown that she could have control of the situation, that the skipper was confident in the boat, and that she could learn to sail any boat within it's limits and be confident that she knew what to expect and what to do....  the whole exercise would have been moot.  No matter what design of boat they purchased.  Educate her, ease her into it, demonstrate that the situation is totally under control...and go boat shopping for any boat you want! And....get rid of that nagging fear that she must always have in the back of her mind that disaster is one gust away.


Last but not least:
If nothing else in this blog post is agreeable to you ....please consider this.

IF YOU HAVE A HEART... 

IF SOMEONE ON YOUR VESSEL IS SCARED OR UNCOMFORTABLE..... 

FIX IT. 

FIX IT NOW....NOT LATER   

 AND PLEASE! DO NOT EVER ACT AS IF THE EMOTION THEY ARE DISPLAYING IS IRRATIONAL. 

It is totally rational and reasonable to them at that particular time...and as a responsible Skipper, Spouse, Friend..... it should be to you as well.

Being afraid and not in control is one of the worse things that can ever happen to anyone. It can lead to lifelong distaste for a person or situation.  If at all possible STOP THE EVENT that is scaring the person immediately.....you can reason it out later.....figure out strategies to overcome it later......talk about it later

CHANGE IT NOW!

If you do that one time (make the change)....you will gain lifelong trust from your partner. She will eventually know that if you are OK with what is going on, she should be too as you have her best interest at hand 100% of the time.  And that leads to years and years of wonderful sailing together.

 And I can tell you that firsthand. 

:-)

Love ya Babe!